Frustrated

I am tired. Every time I feel like I might be starting to pull around, to get my feet under me, to get things under control - something else happens. I know that life happens. I know that I would not be given any more challenges than I can handle, but honestly, could use a break.

However, I even tried to take a break, I got out of town for a week. For five days of the eight I was gone I was tried like either a six year old or that invalid that is going through a divorce. Also, all of those five days where so crammed backed with activities that I had to sleep for two days when I returned home, just to start to catch up.

And now - now I need all new rims (wheels) AND tires for my car that is not even two years old. I am trying to see if I can get insurance to cover the THOUSANDS of dollars it is going to cost to repair the car.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no clue what I am going to do. I am not sure I can bring myself to go and stay with the people that are set on treating me like a little child and not the 30 year old I will be in a month. There are other people that I am not certain and I handle setting my eyes on right now, for various reasons. But I do not want to sit at home, alone, like the crazy chihuahua lady. Do I just suck it up? Or is that giving in like I have done for the last several years of my life?

I can not get my head on straight. I can not think anything through. I can not focus. I am losing patience with the things in my life I know I need to be patience with. I am just tired.

Now I feel like Mega SuperWhiner. But I guess that is part of why I have this site. So I can vent, I can think things through and get things out.

Or Maybe Just Crazy ;-)

I have been reflecting on some conversations I have had lately, and I am starting to think I might have multiple personalities. I go from being really excited about some little mundane thing to right out pissed off at The Unmentionable to OHMIGOD you wouldn't believe this - Like, TOTALLY!! *Twists Hair*

There is so much going on in my life right now. Conversations with my close dear friends (the people that know about this site) often include trains of thought that make me a new young adult, the soon to be divorcee, and the person who is experiencing life.

One moment I feel like an 18 year old, out of the house for the first time. The other night I made a pretty darn good dinner for myself and I completely made it up on the spot - no recipe, no ideas from the internet. Does not really sound like a big deal, right? I have always been the type to only follow a recipe, with no exceptions or substitutions. There was too much worry about what if I did it wrong or what if those spices didn't mesh? The other night, I made a batter and breading for cubes of chicken, cooked up some veggies and a sauce and it all worked out. I could not believe it!

Other moments I have to deal with the reality of my current "marital situation." It was another doggie visitation weekend, meaning I had to see The Unmentionable twice. It went ok, minus getting stuck in traffic because of the rain. I have spent MUCH of this week on the phone and at the fax machine and writing and receiving emails about financial crap.

Happier moments I am so freaking bubbly about certain other situations and ongoings that I can not contain myself. Then I think, can I truly be this happy about this?! But so much is uncertain!

I have a note posted on my office desk that says to "Just focus on today." I have always been a planner and that is really hard when I have no clue what the future holds. So, in the meantime, I'll just jump on the roller coaster and see where it brings me, or what personality I take on.

Gathering Some Rays!

I spent yesterday afternoon exploring my environs. I live very close to several forest preserves with paths and rivers and trees. The weather was gorgeous, a perfect fall afternoon, sunny, light breeze, warm. The leaves on the ground had dried up enough from the recent rain to provide great crunching noises.

I wandered around, through trees, over bridges, sitting by the river for a few hours. It was fabulous. It was so nice to get out side and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I even found a bench under four or five various trees and just laid there for a while looking up at the different colors and the angles of the branches and the blue sky above it all.

The afternoon was refreshing and energizing. I hope there might be at least one more day like that before it gets too cold. (BUT I do think I found the local sledding hill!)

I played with my camera on my phone a bit as well...

LEAVES!!

Turning around

I knew there would be lots of ups and downs in this process. Lately, there have been so many more ups. It is really easy to get lost in the downs and forget about the good things. I need to praise the good things!

I have a full on real bed, with a mattress and box spring and headboard and foot board. It is about 3.5 feet higher than the air mattress I started out on in my apartment.

My apartment is mine. I have never lived on my own before and I am doing great. I cook real dinners and have everything all set up.

My friends and family have been amazing, in several ways. Thank you all for your listening ears, leading/giving me your stuff, and over all just being there for me. The support I have received in the last several months is unreal.

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I am experiencing life. Doing things I have not ever done or have not been allowed to do in years. It is great.

I am getting other things figured out that I have not had to deal with, and I am handling it. Everything is ok.

The process is bit by bit moving forward.

When this all started I was just in a deep dark tunnel, with no hope in sight. NOW, there really IS a light at that end of the tunnel! AND I am starting to be able to see it! Some times I just have to stop and remind myself of all of this. That there IS an end. That things are pretty darn good right now!

Am thinking it was stress...

One of the major contentions in my marriage was my weight and my body image. I don't really want to get much into that, other than to say my weight ballooned. Recently, I was able to set up and start using my Wii Fit again, something I have not used since a month or so before I moved out of my house. After a great workout yesterday, I realized something. In 7 or 8 months, I have lost around FIFTY pounds. I have not been working out much more than the walks to and from the train station and the random workout on the Wii Fit. My eating habits might be a bit more healthy, but I do have the snack binges when I have a stressful day. None of my work pants fit, in fact I can pull them off with out unbuttoning or unzipping them. My BMI is now listed as "normal". I was in shock! I looked back on how that could have possibly happened and I realized, it has to be a result of less stress. Yes, I am still stressed, but I am not spending every day fighting with someone and fretting over if I am going to end my marriage or not. Yes, I still have rough days. I still am trying to figure out where my life is heading. But overall, the last several months have been so much less stressful and overall, I have been happy or at least happier.

I am not sure where those fifty pounds were located. I am not sure how I lost them. I really do not care about my BMI or what a scale says, I am more concerned about how I feel. Sure, I'd like to be more toned. But really, I would rather just keep working on being less stressed, more happy. I think this is a testament to the fact that I am getting there.

Self Challenge

After I wrote last night's post, I had the best night of sleep that I have had in a while. Sleep has been tough, hard to fall asleep and then hard to stay asleep. I am hoping that getting out what was on my mind and then heading to bed was part of what helped. So I am going to challenge myself to try to continue to do just that.

***

Recently, I have been often told to have patience, to just take things one step or one day at a time. I have a hard time with this. I want to have everything set and in a plan and know what is up. It is time to slow down, take some deep breathes and try not to worry to far in advance. I just want all of this done and over with, but I want it done correctly, so I need to realize that will take time. And that is okay.

Guess Again

I have recently realized that all I do these days is second guess myself - over and over. I look for other people to acknowledge and confirm my decisions. I have always been "extra-careful" about any decisions I have made. But I am down right terrified to the core that I will make mistakes and bad decisions again. I should not be scared of that, everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes bad decisions. No one can be right all the time. It is getting to the point that anything I do takes several times longer than it should. It is starting to ooze into all parts of my life, including work. I am driving myself crazy thinking, re-thinking, analyzing again and again, working and re-doing. I suppose I am hoping that realizing this is a good first step. I know somewhere inside of me I have the confidence to make decisions on my own. I just have to find it again. I will, eventually.

Try try again...

The ceramics class was a no go...sadly I was the only student that signed up. There are other potential workshops and classes later in the year, so I might just have to wait and try later.

I was rather bummed because it has been a goal to try new things and meet new people. It was my hopes that this class would have aided in both, but it was not meant to be...yet. Now is the time to come up with new ideas!

So Much Going On

The last few months have been a flurry of activity, some good, some difficult. Overall it was just a bit too much to handle so I was just taking it all one day at a time and trying to get through. Therefore, I put to the side reflection and thinking about much of it.

There was the Big Huge Medical tests. Everything ended up fine, but it was scary and I was really worried. Thank you to my friends that were there for me during that time and through the tests, I would not have made it with out you.

There was the BIG MOVE! I have my own place. I am mostly all settled in and I am loving it! It is strange to live by myself, but I am enjoying it. I can make what it is I am hungry for for dinner. I have things set up the way I want them. And have slowly started to decorate in my style, whatever that is...The doggies love it and I have more closet space than I know what to do with, that is going to spoil me :-)

There was the start of doggie visitation with The Unmentionable. Which had lead to us communicating again. Overall, that has not been the best.

There has been little movement with the proceedings. There is some big paperwork that has been done. This is going to be a long, slow process.

Sleep and I have broken up. As in, I don't sleep well. Hopefully that will be a short-term issue.

Scatter in some other personal stuff with friends and family and work...

I have started to try to figure out ways to meet new people and get involved in new activities. Tonight is my first ever wheel throwing ceramics class. I could not be more excited. In fact I was all dressed and ready to go 3.5 hours before the start of class.

OH! I colored my hair, from a box. I have never done that before. But people who know me know I have had grey hair for a long time. That was fun and exciting! It is basically the same color, but a little red and a lot less grey.

I am hoping to start getting back to writing out what has been going on, what my feelings are, how I am doing.

Stepping Forward

I was really upset after the fact that it came to the point that I had to block him from every possible communication route, but it has proven to be the best move I've made yet. My days are no longer interrupted with harsh and rude words and actions. I can put him and that part of my life out of my mind and focus on what my life is now. I have been hanging out with people that are a joy to be around and just been having a good time.

I move in a week into my new apartment so I have been focusing on getting everything ready and planned for that. I can not wait. I look forward to this step, I think it will be a big one for me. It will be the first time ever that I have lived on my own. That is scary, but also so very exciting. It will take a little time for the place to become mine, as most of the furniture and other household goods are coming from other people.

I spent all of last weekend shopping for bedding and other general items. It was fun. I could pick out what I wanted to have. Not worry about anyone else's tastes or opinions. I know this sounds selfish, but honestly it is a time for me to be selfish. It is a time to think about myself. Every step I take for me is a step I take towards healing, towards stitching up the wounds. There are still goals I have for my life and I am not going to be able to start working towards them until I am okay with me. I am getting there, each day brings me closer.

At the same time, I have been trying to not get to far ahead of myself. Just thinking one small step at a time and enjoy each passing moment.

Flight

The natural response to stress is fight or flight, we have all heard of this, so I don't need to go into that part much. I have fought for a long time. Fought for my marriage. Fought for my dreams and hope and what I wanted my life to be. Fought to get myself out of a horrible situation. Fought to be able to get up and go to work and try to act like "nothing is wrong" with my life (not sure how well I did at this, especially since there were and are days that I just can not get out of bed). I know that there is a lot of "fighting" left, especially when it comes to the legal proceedings. But when it comes to any negativity in my daily life, I have no fight left. I just want to run away and crawl in a hole and hide. I have used up so much of my energy fighting that I am not sure how much more of that type of energy I have. This week several things have come up in my day to day activities that under "normal" circumstances would just be something else, but this week, it has just been too much. I am heading out to spend the weekend with my brother and his wife, and every time something happened this week I tried to take it as an excuse to cut and run, just for the weekend, albeit early. Work laptop's hard-drive crash, my first thought was to just take off a day and head out. People around me are being cranky, just take off!

I do not want to become an ostrich, with my head in the sand anytime things get tough, but right now, it is the little things I just can not handle. With everything else that is going on it is just too much. I know it is going to come down to balance. But in the mean time, everything inside of me is screaming to just run away.

If Only

A good friend of mine passed this post on to me. And it got me thinking. It is so hard to be able to describe to people what I have been through to get me to the point of packing up, moving out, and filing for divorce. I can't just pass it off with the phrase "oh, there was another woman" because this was what I wanted. This was my decision. I have some awesome friends that have been there, supporting me through this. People I am very close to and they know some of the details. But when I get a message on facebook from a college friend asking me how The Unmentionable and I are doing - it breaks me every time to say, "we are no longer together" because I know I am going to get the inevitable "why?"

Over the weekend, I saw a friend that I had not seen or spoken for several months. She asked me if I was happy, and I could see this look in her eyes were questioning me "Are you sure about this, the two of you seemed okay?!" And yes, on the outside we were great, I put up a good front so many times. I went through the motions and held onto the dreams. Now I just feel like I have been living a fake life for years. I am certain this has lead to part of his in ability to accept what is happening and that yes, this really is going on right now. I still think he believes this is all a game, a big bluff.

Now I am trying to remove the layers of "let's pretend we are happy" and live a real life. I know I deserve true happiness and I believe he does as well.

Like a Paula Abul Song

Every time I make steps toward trying to rebuild my life, something happens that throws me back a step or two or five. Sometimes, it just gets to be really hard to pick myself back up. I got out of this marriage because it kept getting knocked down, over and over. And it is still happening. What bothers me is that stuff still affects me, still inhibits me. I get caught unable to focus, unable to do anything but think and no answers come. There are so many questions. I just have to realize that I did all that I could and now it is the time for me. To not worry about him, not worry if he can pay his bills, not worry if his cable/internet get shut off. But, old habits die hard, I guess.

I just want to be able to pull myself and my life together and move forward. I know I am going to still tumble. I know there is still going to be pain and heart break. I know that his habits of tearing me apart are so "old hat" that he does not realize the affect he has on me. The weird thing is that he "claims" to have moved on and forgiven me. Then he sends me message after message telling me how I am a horrible person and wife and why. I don't know why I am always the punching bag, but I am. I was in my marriage and I was in high school. I have always been the person used to be put down so others "can feel better about themselves." I guess I am an easy target. I suppose I am too easily walked all over. I need to figure how to to not be that person.

This is a weird post because I am in a weird mood today. My mind is all over the place. But sometimes, it just helps to get it out.

Harder than it Sounds

After his grandma's funeral, I had been talking to The Unmentionable using a "popular social networking site", use the chat and emailing functions. At first it was going really well and I had hope that we might be able to talk to each other in a civil manner and was really hoping that would spill over into other communications (i.e., legal proceedings). Then things starting to turn ugly. Things were being said that I should not ever have to deal with, which was why I started this whole process in the first place. So I was frank and said, "Hey, you can't talk to me like that, it messes up my whole day", but it just continued. This week I took a huge step for me and I blocked him. I know that sounds like nothing major, but it was hard. That was the one way that I was allowing him to communicate with me, I was holding on to that in hopes that we could talk and because all of this still feels like an epic fail on my part. Not that I want to get back together with him, just that I feel I would feel better if I could get him to understand. Understand how I feel, understand how he treated me affected me, understand why I have made the decisions and taken the actions I have made. I have to realize that the understanding I am hoping for will not happen, that if it would happen him and I would not be in this situation.

I know that I have to move on and move forward. I am trying. A part of me is still concerned that I have lost my dreams. I think that is why I was still holding on, still hoping. Even though I know that those are no longer dreams I want to share with him. This is all so strange to me, all so new.

Steps

I am trying to heal, some days I take great strides, others I fall backwards. Lately I have been working on some of the steps needed to start the next phase of my life.

-Found an apartment! I move in the First of August. I am very excited, but also rather apprehensive. In my almost 30 years of life, I have never lived on my own. This will be another new experience.

-Purchased a couch, chair, and ottoman for said apartment. This is the first large purchase I have made on my own. They will be delivered to the apartment. I can't wait!

-Between my parents, friends, and co-workers I should have enough furniture set up my apartment with out having to drop much more cash on large purchases. Thank you! You are all incredibly awesome and have provided more support then I could have ever wished for from any of you.

-Started looking for the smaller items I will need to obtain. It is fun to be able to look and shop for myself. I have realized that I am not sure what are my tastes or what are tastes that were formed because any shopping done previously had to be approved and permission granted for any purchases. Although it is liberating to be able to go to a store and buy whatever I want, it is also a little overwhelming.

Over all, things are coming together for me to be able to move into my own place and start my own life!

Emotions

One of the things that has been really bothering me is the emotions that I have in response to any type of communication with The Unmentionable. I am very easily overcome in anger, and I do not like it. I do not like being angry, one of the reasons for me moving out is that I was tired of being unhappy and upset and angry. I know that it will take a long time to get over this and be able to completely move on, but those emotions tire me. I realize there will be tough days. I signed up for that. I just do not like that he has such a hold over me that I still respond the way I do. I do not want to fall into the trap of becoming a bitter person. I do not want to always be angry and frustrated.

I want a positive outlook on life. I want to be able to grow and develop myself in an effective, productive, and positive manner. And I do not want it to be fake or superficial.

I do not know where I am going with this post, other than to get it out and work through my thoughts. I have way too many thoughts going on in my head at any one time, and writing on this site has been a good way to sort through those thoughts.

***

In other news, I am going to look at three apartments tomorrow, with the assistance from some really amazing friends. I am really excited about this endeavor, I am beginning to feel that part of my healing process needs to be living on my own. I am very, very grateful to my friends that I am living with and I do not think I could have been able to handle moving out of my house and end up directly on my own.

Who knows if any of these apartments will be "the one". I am a little apprehensive because I have never gone through this process before, but it will be great to find a cool place that will work for me for the time being.

Gone, but not forgotten

The Unmentionable's family lost a beloved family member, his grandma. She was 90 years old, had fallen a few months ago in the bathtub, and never fully recovered. She was a spunky woman, who (I am told) fought until the very end. She is now re-united with her husband of more than 60 years, as well as her sister and other loved ones. She will be missed.

I am writing about this for several reasons. Partly because she was very supportive of me during the time that I knew her and it is very sad that she is no longer on this earth. Partly because I am very confused as to what my role in this situation should be. The Unmentionable was very close with this set of grandparents. Him and I would visit them every Sunday, every week, and that continued for years. I know that this has to be very difficult for him because I was by his side a few years ago when he lost his grandpa. This time I am not sure I can be by his side. I know that he would like that. But I do not know what to do. Part of me has already mourned the lost of all of his family to me. Part of me understands what he is going through and wants to be the better person, put everything to the side and just be there. Another part is just angry at him for some recent situations (possibly more on that in another post).

I am a little scared that if I provide support in this manner, it will also provide a false sense of hope. He has already been asking for more chances (which I do not think I can yield after years and years of chances). He seems to believe our relationship is not over, and if anything is going to progress he needs to realize that I am done.

I feel a little bit like a bad person for not really wanting to go to the services.

Overall, I am conflicted and sad. It is my hopes that his family is doing okay at this time of grief and that they may be able to find some peace.

But I still do not know what I should do...

UPDATE: I decided to not go to any of the services or to send a card or flowers. I was able to grieve the loss on my own, in my own personal way. Good bye Grandma, you will be missed!

It is Not All Downs

As I write these posts, I find that I often sit down to get out the rough feelings and thoughts. Those are the things on my mind that I have to still work through. Sometimes writing about them helps me wrap my head around the issue and then I am able to see it in other lights. But this time in my life has not been all sadness and pain. There has been great joy and happiness as well. For the first time, probably in my entire life, I have the opportunity to make decisions for no one else but me. I realize that that sounds selfish and it probably is, but I figure after living more than 29 years to the standards and ideas of other people, it is time to figure out what my standards are, what my ideas are, what I enjoy, what I value. I am still trying to figure myself out, I am not longer those things I use to define myself by, but I have never had to define myself on my own before.

My first step is going to be figuring out where to live and setting up a place to live. I have never lived on my own. This idea is slightly daunting, but just as exciting. I have no clue where to start looking or where I want to be. I know that I am going to be in the Chicagoland area for at least another year, but after that, I have started to think about moving.

The next step is going to be finding activities that I enjoy. This might be artistic, perhaps a watercolor painting class or learn how to throw pottery, it might be revisiting athletic activities I use to enjoy like going backpacking, wall climbing, or playing ultimate Frisbee, maybe it is something completely new possibly learning how to kayak.

Eventually I hope to find a new love, building that relationship, and possibly starting a family. I was talking to someone recently who told me "You are another friend getting divorced! I am never getting married!!" That got me thinking. I am still and have always been a fan on the institution of marriage. It just was not the right thing for him and me. I hope that there is the right person out there.

There are various "ups" on the horizon. Many more than I am sure I could ever imagine. But I am grateful for those "ups" I have experienced and looking forward to those still out there.

Bridges

Editors Note: Sorry for the brief hiatus, I was out of town for work and a little play, then out for work again. Silly work, always getting in the way...I wrote a few posts while I was out and wanted to makes sure they were posted.

Generally when people quit a job you hear about not wanting to "burn bridges." I knew that I would do exactly that as soon as work trickled down that I moved out and filed for divorce. I burned the huge bridge of my local family support system. This was really difficult for me to handle. I was really very close to The Unmentionable's immediate and extended family. We spent every Sunday visiting family. Most summer weekends were filled with family parties, graduations, birthdays, weddings, christenings. His parents treated me just like another daughter. I often called his mom or aunt when I needed advice or was looking to toss around ideas. I looked forward to the time spent with his cousins and their spouses; I finally had cousins my age! When they had kids, I watched them grow, was at all the important events. That is all gone. Maybe one day when the wounds have been healed, there might be some sort of connection. But overall, I burned all of those bridges in one quick swoop. I went into this knowing that. It was probably part of what was holding me back from leaving sooner. One day I will have other connections, but right now, I just feel the loss of those I had.

What has surprised me are the bridges I thought would be burned and are not. I was told at the beginning of this process that in the end I would know who my true friends are. After several years together, we formed mutual friends, his friends became mine and vice versa. A little while ago I received a phone call from one of these people, some one I considered "his friend" but also someone I became closer to since we work in a similar field. When I received this call, I was asked how I was, was told that I could count on this friend if I ever needed any one, and was told that "Hey, you both are rather rational people and that if this has come to pass, there must have been some rational thought behind the decision." I hung up the phone feeling optimistic, maybe I have not lost all of my mutual friends. Maybe not everyone think I am crazy for what the choices I have made. Sure there are some people that could not wait to "unfriend" me from the social networking sites. That is okay, The Unmentionable needs a support group too.

I look forward to the new people that I have yet to meet. The idea of the connections and bridges I have yet to build excites me. In some cases, I have my own obstacles and huddles to get over first; in other cases I have already had the opportunity to meet some great individuals.

Tumbling

Some days I am very strong. On the right path, figuring out my life. Other days I am rolling down hill so fast I can barely tell where I am. The flowers and cute bunnies and beautiful scenery fly by and none of it matters. I am tried of rolling, I need to grasp on to a rock and start to pull myself up.

Someone once told me that life is like a rollercoaster, but what you have to look as is if there are more highs than lows. When I was still living at home and putting up with issues every day, it was almost all lows with very few highs in sight. Lately there have been more highs and lows every now and then. I know that there will still be lows, that I might not even have hit the lowest of them. But I have faith and hope and courage that there are those highs out there...I just have to find them.

I keep saying things like, "things will feel more settled once I have my own place". I hope that is not placing false hope in myself or pushing the opportunities until "later". But some things, I just can not deal with yet. Other things, I probably have not dealt with the best way. BUT I am getting there. If I have to push things aside to get somewhere, then that is ok.

It has taken me a really long time to write this. Honestly, I have sat and cried a good portion of the day. Cried over the lost of what I thought my life was and where it was going. Cried over the fear of not knowing what is next. I have talked to a few good friends and have been told it is ok to panic, that that shows I am thinking about the future, and have been told to have patience*. I have been told that things will come together, that if my dreams are really my dreams, it is up to me to make them happen, it just is not going to happen over night. I have been suggested books to help me find my soul. I have been made to laugh. I have been truly blessed with amazing friends who have been beside me and will continue to do so. I know I have put them through dealing with lots of my freak outs. For that I am truly thankful.

*Which I had to look up to make sure I spelled correctly and Wikipedia defines as the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. That is just it! I need to be able to endure these difficulties. And I will.

A Mixed Bag

I want to say up front that under no means am I regretting any of my decisions, however it is difficult to deal with coming to terms with how greatly my life has changed. A year ago, I was hoping to be starting a family by now (who am I kidding, I have been hoping that for a long time), moving into a bigger house, planning for a future with my husband. Now I am trying to figure out where I want to live; how to afford and obtain all the household essentials like furniture, kitchen and bath wares, and so forth; basically, starting over. Some days it feels like I have taken a huge step backwards and others I am excited for the prospect of what my new future holds.

But I still slip into the old mind set. I am very use to having all of my actions and ideas run by "The Unmentionable". That every thing I did was controlled to the point that I could not do anything with out an "Okay!". I am getting use to this. It is rough, I find myself seeking validation, without it I am finding myself to tend to lack confidence. Just another thing that was taken away from me that I am working to get back, my self-confidence, my ability to make decisions on my own. As great as it is that I am able to do that now-make my own decisions-I find it weird. And part of me is saddened by that.

I still have those dreams and I do not want to loose my dreams. I hope that one day I will be able to make those dreams happen. In the mean time, it is time to make new dreams. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. I keep telling myself to take things one day at a time, but I still have to think about my future at the same time.

No, really...I am OK

I spent last weekend at a huge family event. The majority of my family had not seen me since they heard "the news". It was interesting because it seemed as though most did not believe me when I said that I was doing really well. Yes, I have bad days, I have really tough moments, but over all - this has been and will continue to be the best thing for me. There is still a rough road ahead of me, and I am fine with that.

I recently came to the realization that I could not take the steps I have taken, could not have moved out and started all the legal process, with out being mostly through the grieving process. No, I was not ok a few months ago or a year ago or several years ago. At that time, I had not yet dealt with the loss of my dreams, of what I thought my life was going to be. But I am growing and I am getting stronger every day. I am developing new dreams and forming new goals. I am excited. The prospects excite me. Piece by piece I am picking myself up and discovering who I am.

A New Beginning

My life is starting over, it is time to find myself and grow into a new me. Over the last several months, heck, even years, I have been trying to figure out how to save my marriage. It was a marriage not worth saving. Therefore, I am in the process of separating and undergoing THE BIG D word. In the mean time it is time to discover the real me. The me I have tucked away and been hiding. It is time to figure out what I want to do with my life and what I enjoy. It is time to find The Hidden Beccah.

With that and this new site, I am ready to find out what the world has to offer.

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I have recently learned how amazing family and friends can be. When I told my parents that I was leaving "The Unmentionable", I was terrified. Scared that I would be a disappointment. Worried that I would shatter how they perceived me. Uncertain how they would react. They could not have been any more caring, understanding, or supportive. In fact, they were relieved. And that day, I found the piece that told me that family will always be there when you fall.