A Mixed Bag

I want to say up front that under no means am I regretting any of my decisions, however it is difficult to deal with coming to terms with how greatly my life has changed. A year ago, I was hoping to be starting a family by now (who am I kidding, I have been hoping that for a long time), moving into a bigger house, planning for a future with my husband. Now I am trying to figure out where I want to live; how to afford and obtain all the household essentials like furniture, kitchen and bath wares, and so forth; basically, starting over. Some days it feels like I have taken a huge step backwards and others I am excited for the prospect of what my new future holds.

But I still slip into the old mind set. I am very use to having all of my actions and ideas run by "The Unmentionable". That every thing I did was controlled to the point that I could not do anything with out an "Okay!". I am getting use to this. It is rough, I find myself seeking validation, without it I am finding myself to tend to lack confidence. Just another thing that was taken away from me that I am working to get back, my self-confidence, my ability to make decisions on my own. As great as it is that I am able to do that now-make my own decisions-I find it weird. And part of me is saddened by that.

I still have those dreams and I do not want to loose my dreams. I hope that one day I will be able to make those dreams happen. In the mean time, it is time to make new dreams. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. I keep telling myself to take things one day at a time, but I still have to think about my future at the same time.