Some days I am very strong. On the right path, figuring out my life. Other days I am rolling down hill so fast I can barely tell where I am. The flowers and cute bunnies and beautiful scenery fly by and none of it matters. I am tried of rolling, I need to grasp on to a rock and start to pull myself up.
Someone once told me that life is like a rollercoaster, but what you have to look as is if there are more highs than lows. When I was still living at home and putting up with issues every day, it was almost all lows with very few highs in sight. Lately there have been more highs and lows every now and then. I know that there will still be lows, that I might not even have hit the lowest of them. But I have faith and hope and courage that there are those highs out there...I just have to find them.
I keep saying things like, "things will feel more settled once I have my own place". I hope that is not placing false hope in myself or pushing the opportunities until "later". But some things, I just can not deal with yet. Other things, I probably have not dealt with the best way. BUT I am getting there. If I have to push things aside to get somewhere, then that is ok.
It has taken me a really long time to write this. Honestly, I have sat and cried a good portion of the day. Cried over the lost of what I thought my life was and where it was going. Cried over the fear of not knowing what is next. I have talked to a few good friends and have been told it is ok to panic, that that shows I am thinking about the future, and have been told to have patience*. I have been told that things will come together, that if my dreams are really my dreams, it is up to me to make them happen, it just is not going to happen over night. I have been suggested books to help me find my soul. I have been made to laugh. I have been truly blessed with amazing friends who have been beside me and will continue to do so. I know I have put them through dealing with lots of my freak outs. For that I am truly thankful.
*Which I had to look up to make sure I spelled correctly and Wikipedia defines as the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. That is just it! I need to be able to endure these difficulties. And I will.
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You will make it through all this. and your friends will be there to support you, pull you up, and celebrate with you. .... because we love you (and you would do it (have done it) for us.
ReplyDeleteHey dear, may i suggest another book? Soul Craft by Bill Plotkin. The gist of it is this...that we are always in transformaation and transition. And that we have two initial phases of life..two cacoons...if you will. Then...we receive a calling. Sometimes it is painful...sometimes it jolts your life so much that you can not recognize who and where you are. But it is the calling that moves you forward out of stuckness. Imagine if you did not answer the calling. Better yet...imagine all those people that did. :)
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