Every time I make steps toward trying to rebuild my life, something happens that throws me back a step or two or five. Sometimes, it just gets to be really hard to pick myself back up. I got out of this marriage because it kept getting knocked down, over and over. And it is still happening. What bothers me is that stuff still affects me, still inhibits me. I get caught unable to focus, unable to do anything but think and no answers come. There are so many questions. I just have to realize that I did all that I could and now it is the time for me. To not worry about him, not worry if he can pay his bills, not worry if his cable/internet get shut off. But, old habits die hard, I guess.
I just want to be able to pull myself and my life together and move forward. I know I am going to still tumble. I know there is still going to be pain and heart break. I know that his habits of tearing me apart are so "old hat" that he does not realize the affect he has on me. The weird thing is that he "claims" to have moved on and forgiven me. Then he sends me message after message telling me how I am a horrible person and wife and why. I don't know why I am always the punching bag, but I am. I was in my marriage and I was in high school. I have always been the person used to be put down so others "can feel better about themselves." I guess I am an easy target. I suppose I am too easily walked all over. I need to figure how to to not be that person.
This is a weird post because I am in a weird mood today. My mind is all over the place. But sometimes, it just helps to get it out.
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