Harder than it Sounds

After his grandma's funeral, I had been talking to The Unmentionable using a "popular social networking site", use the chat and emailing functions. At first it was going really well and I had hope that we might be able to talk to each other in a civil manner and was really hoping that would spill over into other communications (i.e., legal proceedings). Then things starting to turn ugly. Things were being said that I should not ever have to deal with, which was why I started this whole process in the first place. So I was frank and said, "Hey, you can't talk to me like that, it messes up my whole day", but it just continued. This week I took a huge step for me and I blocked him. I know that sounds like nothing major, but it was hard. That was the one way that I was allowing him to communicate with me, I was holding on to that in hopes that we could talk and because all of this still feels like an epic fail on my part. Not that I want to get back together with him, just that I feel I would feel better if I could get him to understand. Understand how I feel, understand how he treated me affected me, understand why I have made the decisions and taken the actions I have made. I have to realize that the understanding I am hoping for will not happen, that if it would happen him and I would not be in this situation.

I know that I have to move on and move forward. I am trying. A part of me is still concerned that I have lost my dreams. I think that is why I was still holding on, still hoping. Even though I know that those are no longer dreams I want to share with him. This is all so strange to me, all so new.