If Only

A good friend of mine passed this post on to me. And it got me thinking. It is so hard to be able to describe to people what I have been through to get me to the point of packing up, moving out, and filing for divorce. I can't just pass it off with the phrase "oh, there was another woman" because this was what I wanted. This was my decision. I have some awesome friends that have been there, supporting me through this. People I am very close to and they know some of the details. But when I get a message on facebook from a college friend asking me how The Unmentionable and I are doing - it breaks me every time to say, "we are no longer together" because I know I am going to get the inevitable "why?"

Over the weekend, I saw a friend that I had not seen or spoken for several months. She asked me if I was happy, and I could see this look in her eyes were questioning me "Are you sure about this, the two of you seemed okay?!" And yes, on the outside we were great, I put up a good front so many times. I went through the motions and held onto the dreams. Now I just feel like I have been living a fake life for years. I am certain this has lead to part of his in ability to accept what is happening and that yes, this really is going on right now. I still think he believes this is all a game, a big bluff.

Now I am trying to remove the layers of "let's pretend we are happy" and live a real life. I know I deserve true happiness and I believe he does as well.