Stepping Forward

I was really upset after the fact that it came to the point that I had to block him from every possible communication route, but it has proven to be the best move I've made yet. My days are no longer interrupted with harsh and rude words and actions. I can put him and that part of my life out of my mind and focus on what my life is now. I have been hanging out with people that are a joy to be around and just been having a good time.

I move in a week into my new apartment so I have been focusing on getting everything ready and planned for that. I can not wait. I look forward to this step, I think it will be a big one for me. It will be the first time ever that I have lived on my own. That is scary, but also so very exciting. It will take a little time for the place to become mine, as most of the furniture and other household goods are coming from other people.

I spent all of last weekend shopping for bedding and other general items. It was fun. I could pick out what I wanted to have. Not worry about anyone else's tastes or opinions. I know this sounds selfish, but honestly it is a time for me to be selfish. It is a time to think about myself. Every step I take for me is a step I take towards healing, towards stitching up the wounds. There are still goals I have for my life and I am not going to be able to start working towards them until I am okay with me. I am getting there, each day brings me closer.

At the same time, I have been trying to not get to far ahead of myself. Just thinking one small step at a time and enjoy each passing moment.

Flight

The natural response to stress is fight or flight, we have all heard of this, so I don't need to go into that part much. I have fought for a long time. Fought for my marriage. Fought for my dreams and hope and what I wanted my life to be. Fought to get myself out of a horrible situation. Fought to be able to get up and go to work and try to act like "nothing is wrong" with my life (not sure how well I did at this, especially since there were and are days that I just can not get out of bed). I know that there is a lot of "fighting" left, especially when it comes to the legal proceedings. But when it comes to any negativity in my daily life, I have no fight left. I just want to run away and crawl in a hole and hide. I have used up so much of my energy fighting that I am not sure how much more of that type of energy I have. This week several things have come up in my day to day activities that under "normal" circumstances would just be something else, but this week, it has just been too much. I am heading out to spend the weekend with my brother and his wife, and every time something happened this week I tried to take it as an excuse to cut and run, just for the weekend, albeit early. Work laptop's hard-drive crash, my first thought was to just take off a day and head out. People around me are being cranky, just take off!

I do not want to become an ostrich, with my head in the sand anytime things get tough, but right now, it is the little things I just can not handle. With everything else that is going on it is just too much. I know it is going to come down to balance. But in the mean time, everything inside of me is screaming to just run away.

If Only

A good friend of mine passed this post on to me. And it got me thinking. It is so hard to be able to describe to people what I have been through to get me to the point of packing up, moving out, and filing for divorce. I can't just pass it off with the phrase "oh, there was another woman" because this was what I wanted. This was my decision. I have some awesome friends that have been there, supporting me through this. People I am very close to and they know some of the details. But when I get a message on facebook from a college friend asking me how The Unmentionable and I are doing - it breaks me every time to say, "we are no longer together" because I know I am going to get the inevitable "why?"

Over the weekend, I saw a friend that I had not seen or spoken for several months. She asked me if I was happy, and I could see this look in her eyes were questioning me "Are you sure about this, the two of you seemed okay?!" And yes, on the outside we were great, I put up a good front so many times. I went through the motions and held onto the dreams. Now I just feel like I have been living a fake life for years. I am certain this has lead to part of his in ability to accept what is happening and that yes, this really is going on right now. I still think he believes this is all a game, a big bluff.

Now I am trying to remove the layers of "let's pretend we are happy" and live a real life. I know I deserve true happiness and I believe he does as well.

Like a Paula Abul Song

Every time I make steps toward trying to rebuild my life, something happens that throws me back a step or two or five. Sometimes, it just gets to be really hard to pick myself back up. I got out of this marriage because it kept getting knocked down, over and over. And it is still happening. What bothers me is that stuff still affects me, still inhibits me. I get caught unable to focus, unable to do anything but think and no answers come. There are so many questions. I just have to realize that I did all that I could and now it is the time for me. To not worry about him, not worry if he can pay his bills, not worry if his cable/internet get shut off. But, old habits die hard, I guess.

I just want to be able to pull myself and my life together and move forward. I know I am going to still tumble. I know there is still going to be pain and heart break. I know that his habits of tearing me apart are so "old hat" that he does not realize the affect he has on me. The weird thing is that he "claims" to have moved on and forgiven me. Then he sends me message after message telling me how I am a horrible person and wife and why. I don't know why I am always the punching bag, but I am. I was in my marriage and I was in high school. I have always been the person used to be put down so others "can feel better about themselves." I guess I am an easy target. I suppose I am too easily walked all over. I need to figure how to to not be that person.

This is a weird post because I am in a weird mood today. My mind is all over the place. But sometimes, it just helps to get it out.

Harder than it Sounds

After his grandma's funeral, I had been talking to The Unmentionable using a "popular social networking site", use the chat and emailing functions. At first it was going really well and I had hope that we might be able to talk to each other in a civil manner and was really hoping that would spill over into other communications (i.e., legal proceedings). Then things starting to turn ugly. Things were being said that I should not ever have to deal with, which was why I started this whole process in the first place. So I was frank and said, "Hey, you can't talk to me like that, it messes up my whole day", but it just continued. This week I took a huge step for me and I blocked him. I know that sounds like nothing major, but it was hard. That was the one way that I was allowing him to communicate with me, I was holding on to that in hopes that we could talk and because all of this still feels like an epic fail on my part. Not that I want to get back together with him, just that I feel I would feel better if I could get him to understand. Understand how I feel, understand how he treated me affected me, understand why I have made the decisions and taken the actions I have made. I have to realize that the understanding I am hoping for will not happen, that if it would happen him and I would not be in this situation.

I know that I have to move on and move forward. I am trying. A part of me is still concerned that I have lost my dreams. I think that is why I was still holding on, still hoping. Even though I know that those are no longer dreams I want to share with him. This is all so strange to me, all so new.

Steps

I am trying to heal, some days I take great strides, others I fall backwards. Lately I have been working on some of the steps needed to start the next phase of my life.

-Found an apartment! I move in the First of August. I am very excited, but also rather apprehensive. In my almost 30 years of life, I have never lived on my own. This will be another new experience.

-Purchased a couch, chair, and ottoman for said apartment. This is the first large purchase I have made on my own. They will be delivered to the apartment. I can't wait!

-Between my parents, friends, and co-workers I should have enough furniture set up my apartment with out having to drop much more cash on large purchases. Thank you! You are all incredibly awesome and have provided more support then I could have ever wished for from any of you.

-Started looking for the smaller items I will need to obtain. It is fun to be able to look and shop for myself. I have realized that I am not sure what are my tastes or what are tastes that were formed because any shopping done previously had to be approved and permission granted for any purchases. Although it is liberating to be able to go to a store and buy whatever I want, it is also a little overwhelming.

Over all, things are coming together for me to be able to move into my own place and start my own life!