One of the things that has been really bothering me is the emotions that I have in response to any type of communication with The Unmentionable. I am very easily overcome in anger, and I do not like it. I do not like being angry, one of the reasons for me moving out is that I was tired of being unhappy and upset and angry. I know that it will take a long time to get over this and be able to completely move on, but those emotions tire me. I realize there will be tough days. I signed up for that. I just do not like that he has such a hold over me that I still respond the way I do. I do not want to fall into the trap of becoming a bitter person. I do not want to always be angry and frustrated.
I want a positive outlook on life. I want to be able to grow and develop myself in an effective, productive, and positive manner. And I do not want it to be fake or superficial.
I do not know where I am going with this post, other than to get it out and work through my thoughts. I have way too many thoughts going on in my head at any one time, and writing on this site has been a good way to sort through those thoughts.
***
In other news, I am going to look at three apartments tomorrow, with the assistance from some really amazing friends. I am really excited about this endeavor, I am beginning to feel that part of my healing process needs to be living on my own. I am very, very grateful to my friends that I am living with and I do not think I could have been able to handle moving out of my house and end up directly on my own.
Who knows if any of these apartments will be "the one". I am a little apprehensive because I have never gone through this process before, but it will be great to find a cool place that will work for me for the time being.
Friday, June 26, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Gone, but not forgotten
The Unmentionable's family lost a beloved family member, his grandma. She was 90 years old, had fallen a few months ago in the bathtub, and never fully recovered. She was a spunky woman, who (I am told) fought until the very end. She is now re-united with her husband of more than 60 years, as well as her sister and other loved ones. She will be missed.
I am writing about this for several reasons. Partly because she was very supportive of me during the time that I knew her and it is very sad that she is no longer on this earth. Partly because I am very confused as to what my role in this situation should be. The Unmentionable was very close with this set of grandparents. Him and I would visit them every Sunday, every week, and that continued for years. I know that this has to be very difficult for him because I was by his side a few years ago when he lost his grandpa. This time I am not sure I can be by his side. I know that he would like that. But I do not know what to do. Part of me has already mourned the lost of all of his family to me. Part of me understands what he is going through and wants to be the better person, put everything to the side and just be there. Another part is just angry at him for some recent situations (possibly more on that in another post).
I am a little scared that if I provide support in this manner, it will also provide a false sense of hope. He has already been asking for more chances (which I do not think I can yield after years and years of chances). He seems to believe our relationship is not over, and if anything is going to progress he needs to realize that I am done.
I feel a little bit like a bad person for not really wanting to go to the services.
Overall, I am conflicted and sad. It is my hopes that his family is doing okay at this time of grief and that they may be able to find some peace.
But I still do not know what I should do...
UPDATE: I decided to not go to any of the services or to send a card or flowers. I was able to grieve the loss on my own, in my own personal way. Good bye Grandma, you will be missed!
I am writing about this for several reasons. Partly because she was very supportive of me during the time that I knew her and it is very sad that she is no longer on this earth. Partly because I am very confused as to what my role in this situation should be. The Unmentionable was very close with this set of grandparents. Him and I would visit them every Sunday, every week, and that continued for years. I know that this has to be very difficult for him because I was by his side a few years ago when he lost his grandpa. This time I am not sure I can be by his side. I know that he would like that. But I do not know what to do. Part of me has already mourned the lost of all of his family to me. Part of me understands what he is going through and wants to be the better person, put everything to the side and just be there. Another part is just angry at him for some recent situations (possibly more on that in another post).
I am a little scared that if I provide support in this manner, it will also provide a false sense of hope. He has already been asking for more chances (which I do not think I can yield after years and years of chances). He seems to believe our relationship is not over, and if anything is going to progress he needs to realize that I am done.
I feel a little bit like a bad person for not really wanting to go to the services.
Overall, I am conflicted and sad. It is my hopes that his family is doing okay at this time of grief and that they may be able to find some peace.
But I still do not know what I should do...
UPDATE: I decided to not go to any of the services or to send a card or flowers. I was able to grieve the loss on my own, in my own personal way. Good bye Grandma, you will be missed!
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
It is Not All Downs
As I write these posts, I find that I often sit down to get out the rough feelings and thoughts. Those are the things on my mind that I have to still work through. Sometimes writing about them helps me wrap my head around the issue and then I am able to see it in other lights. But this time in my life has not been all sadness and pain. There has been great joy and happiness as well. For the first time, probably in my entire life, I have the opportunity to make decisions for no one else but me. I realize that that sounds selfish and it probably is, but I figure after living more than 29 years to the standards and ideas of other people, it is time to figure out what my standards are, what my ideas are, what I enjoy, what I value. I am still trying to figure myself out, I am not longer those things I use to define myself by, but I have never had to define myself on my own before.
My first step is going to be figuring out where to live and setting up a place to live. I have never lived on my own. This idea is slightly daunting, but just as exciting. I have no clue where to start looking or where I want to be. I know that I am going to be in the Chicagoland area for at least another year, but after that, I have started to think about moving.
The next step is going to be finding activities that I enjoy. This might be artistic, perhaps a watercolor painting class or learn how to throw pottery, it might be revisiting athletic activities I use to enjoy like going backpacking, wall climbing, or playing ultimate Frisbee, maybe it is something completely new possibly learning how to kayak.
Eventually I hope to find a new love, building that relationship, and possibly starting a family. I was talking to someone recently who told me "You are another friend getting divorced! I am never getting married!!" That got me thinking. I am still and have always been a fan on the institution of marriage. It just was not the right thing for him and me. I hope that there is the right person out there.
There are various "ups" on the horizon. Many more than I am sure I could ever imagine. But I am grateful for those "ups" I have experienced and looking forward to those still out there.
My first step is going to be figuring out where to live and setting up a place to live. I have never lived on my own. This idea is slightly daunting, but just as exciting. I have no clue where to start looking or where I want to be. I know that I am going to be in the Chicagoland area for at least another year, but after that, I have started to think about moving.
The next step is going to be finding activities that I enjoy. This might be artistic, perhaps a watercolor painting class or learn how to throw pottery, it might be revisiting athletic activities I use to enjoy like going backpacking, wall climbing, or playing ultimate Frisbee, maybe it is something completely new possibly learning how to kayak.
Eventually I hope to find a new love, building that relationship, and possibly starting a family. I was talking to someone recently who told me "You are another friend getting divorced! I am never getting married!!" That got me thinking. I am still and have always been a fan on the institution of marriage. It just was not the right thing for him and me. I hope that there is the right person out there.
There are various "ups" on the horizon. Many more than I am sure I could ever imagine. But I am grateful for those "ups" I have experienced and looking forward to those still out there.
Bridges
Editors Note: Sorry for the brief hiatus, I was out of town for work and a little play, then out for work again. Silly work, always getting in the way...I wrote a few posts while I was out and wanted to makes sure they were posted.
Generally when people quit a job you hear about not wanting to "burn bridges." I knew that I would do exactly that as soon as work trickled down that I moved out and filed for divorce. I burned the huge bridge of my local family support system. This was really difficult for me to handle. I was really very close to The Unmentionable's immediate and extended family. We spent every Sunday visiting family. Most summer weekends were filled with family parties, graduations, birthdays, weddings, christenings. His parents treated me just like another daughter. I often called his mom or aunt when I needed advice or was looking to toss around ideas. I looked forward to the time spent with his cousins and their spouses; I finally had cousins my age! When they had kids, I watched them grow, was at all the important events. That is all gone. Maybe one day when the wounds have been healed, there might be some sort of connection. But overall, I burned all of those bridges in one quick swoop. I went into this knowing that. It was probably part of what was holding me back from leaving sooner. One day I will have other connections, but right now, I just feel the loss of those I had.
What has surprised me are the bridges I thought would be burned and are not. I was told at the beginning of this process that in the end I would know who my true friends are. After several years together, we formed mutual friends, his friends became mine and vice versa. A little while ago I received a phone call from one of these people, some one I considered "his friend" but also someone I became closer to since we work in a similar field. When I received this call, I was asked how I was, was told that I could count on this friend if I ever needed any one, and was told that "Hey, you both are rather rational people and that if this has come to pass, there must have been some rational thought behind the decision." I hung up the phone feeling optimistic, maybe I have not lost all of my mutual friends. Maybe not everyone think I am crazy for what the choices I have made. Sure there are some people that could not wait to "unfriend" me from the social networking sites. That is okay, The Unmentionable needs a support group too.
I look forward to the new people that I have yet to meet. The idea of the connections and bridges I have yet to build excites me. In some cases, I have my own obstacles and huddles to get over first; in other cases I have already had the opportunity to meet some great individuals.
Generally when people quit a job you hear about not wanting to "burn bridges." I knew that I would do exactly that as soon as work trickled down that I moved out and filed for divorce. I burned the huge bridge of my local family support system. This was really difficult for me to handle. I was really very close to The Unmentionable's immediate and extended family. We spent every Sunday visiting family. Most summer weekends were filled with family parties, graduations, birthdays, weddings, christenings. His parents treated me just like another daughter. I often called his mom or aunt when I needed advice or was looking to toss around ideas. I looked forward to the time spent with his cousins and their spouses; I finally had cousins my age! When they had kids, I watched them grow, was at all the important events. That is all gone. Maybe one day when the wounds have been healed, there might be some sort of connection. But overall, I burned all of those bridges in one quick swoop. I went into this knowing that. It was probably part of what was holding me back from leaving sooner. One day I will have other connections, but right now, I just feel the loss of those I had.
What has surprised me are the bridges I thought would be burned and are not. I was told at the beginning of this process that in the end I would know who my true friends are. After several years together, we formed mutual friends, his friends became mine and vice versa. A little while ago I received a phone call from one of these people, some one I considered "his friend" but also someone I became closer to since we work in a similar field. When I received this call, I was asked how I was, was told that I could count on this friend if I ever needed any one, and was told that "Hey, you both are rather rational people and that if this has come to pass, there must have been some rational thought behind the decision." I hung up the phone feeling optimistic, maybe I have not lost all of my mutual friends. Maybe not everyone think I am crazy for what the choices I have made. Sure there are some people that could not wait to "unfriend" me from the social networking sites. That is okay, The Unmentionable needs a support group too.
I look forward to the new people that I have yet to meet. The idea of the connections and bridges I have yet to build excites me. In some cases, I have my own obstacles and huddles to get over first; in other cases I have already had the opportunity to meet some great individuals.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tumbling
Some days I am very strong. On the right path, figuring out my life. Other days I am rolling down hill so fast I can barely tell where I am. The flowers and cute bunnies and beautiful scenery fly by and none of it matters. I am tried of rolling, I need to grasp on to a rock and start to pull myself up.
Someone once told me that life is like a rollercoaster, but what you have to look as is if there are more highs than lows. When I was still living at home and putting up with issues every day, it was almost all lows with very few highs in sight. Lately there have been more highs and lows every now and then. I know that there will still be lows, that I might not even have hit the lowest of them. But I have faith and hope and courage that there are those highs out there...I just have to find them.
I keep saying things like, "things will feel more settled once I have my own place". I hope that is not placing false hope in myself or pushing the opportunities until "later". But some things, I just can not deal with yet. Other things, I probably have not dealt with the best way. BUT I am getting there. If I have to push things aside to get somewhere, then that is ok.
It has taken me a really long time to write this. Honestly, I have sat and cried a good portion of the day. Cried over the lost of what I thought my life was and where it was going. Cried over the fear of not knowing what is next. I have talked to a few good friends and have been told it is ok to panic, that that shows I am thinking about the future, and have been told to have patience*. I have been told that things will come together, that if my dreams are really my dreams, it is up to me to make them happen, it just is not going to happen over night. I have been suggested books to help me find my soul. I have been made to laugh. I have been truly blessed with amazing friends who have been beside me and will continue to do so. I know I have put them through dealing with lots of my freak outs. For that I am truly thankful.
*Which I had to look up to make sure I spelled correctly and Wikipedia defines as the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. That is just it! I need to be able to endure these difficulties. And I will.
Someone once told me that life is like a rollercoaster, but what you have to look as is if there are more highs than lows. When I was still living at home and putting up with issues every day, it was almost all lows with very few highs in sight. Lately there have been more highs and lows every now and then. I know that there will still be lows, that I might not even have hit the lowest of them. But I have faith and hope and courage that there are those highs out there...I just have to find them.
I keep saying things like, "things will feel more settled once I have my own place". I hope that is not placing false hope in myself or pushing the opportunities until "later". But some things, I just can not deal with yet. Other things, I probably have not dealt with the best way. BUT I am getting there. If I have to push things aside to get somewhere, then that is ok.
It has taken me a really long time to write this. Honestly, I have sat and cried a good portion of the day. Cried over the lost of what I thought my life was and where it was going. Cried over the fear of not knowing what is next. I have talked to a few good friends and have been told it is ok to panic, that that shows I am thinking about the future, and have been told to have patience*. I have been told that things will come together, that if my dreams are really my dreams, it is up to me to make them happen, it just is not going to happen over night. I have been suggested books to help me find my soul. I have been made to laugh. I have been truly blessed with amazing friends who have been beside me and will continue to do so. I know I have put them through dealing with lots of my freak outs. For that I am truly thankful.
*Which I had to look up to make sure I spelled correctly and Wikipedia defines as the state of endurance under difficult circumstances. That is just it! I need to be able to endure these difficulties. And I will.
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