Frustrated

I am tired. Every time I feel like I might be starting to pull around, to get my feet under me, to get things under control - something else happens. I know that life happens. I know that I would not be given any more challenges than I can handle, but honestly, could use a break.

However, I even tried to take a break, I got out of town for a week. For five days of the eight I was gone I was tried like either a six year old or that invalid that is going through a divorce. Also, all of those five days where so crammed backed with activities that I had to sleep for two days when I returned home, just to start to catch up.

And now - now I need all new rims (wheels) AND tires for my car that is not even two years old. I am trying to see if I can get insurance to cover the THOUSANDS of dollars it is going to cost to repair the car.

Christmas is right around the corner and I have no clue what I am going to do. I am not sure I can bring myself to go and stay with the people that are set on treating me like a little child and not the 30 year old I will be in a month. There are other people that I am not certain and I handle setting my eyes on right now, for various reasons. But I do not want to sit at home, alone, like the crazy chihuahua lady. Do I just suck it up? Or is that giving in like I have done for the last several years of my life?

I can not get my head on straight. I can not think anything through. I can not focus. I am losing patience with the things in my life I know I need to be patience with. I am just tired.

Now I feel like Mega SuperWhiner. But I guess that is part of why I have this site. So I can vent, I can think things through and get things out.

Or Maybe Just Crazy ;-)

I have been reflecting on some conversations I have had lately, and I am starting to think I might have multiple personalities. I go from being really excited about some little mundane thing to right out pissed off at The Unmentionable to OHMIGOD you wouldn't believe this - Like, TOTALLY!! *Twists Hair*

There is so much going on in my life right now. Conversations with my close dear friends (the people that know about this site) often include trains of thought that make me a new young adult, the soon to be divorcee, and the person who is experiencing life.

One moment I feel like an 18 year old, out of the house for the first time. The other night I made a pretty darn good dinner for myself and I completely made it up on the spot - no recipe, no ideas from the internet. Does not really sound like a big deal, right? I have always been the type to only follow a recipe, with no exceptions or substitutions. There was too much worry about what if I did it wrong or what if those spices didn't mesh? The other night, I made a batter and breading for cubes of chicken, cooked up some veggies and a sauce and it all worked out. I could not believe it!

Other moments I have to deal with the reality of my current "marital situation." It was another doggie visitation weekend, meaning I had to see The Unmentionable twice. It went ok, minus getting stuck in traffic because of the rain. I have spent MUCH of this week on the phone and at the fax machine and writing and receiving emails about financial crap.

Happier moments I am so freaking bubbly about certain other situations and ongoings that I can not contain myself. Then I think, can I truly be this happy about this?! But so much is uncertain!

I have a note posted on my office desk that says to "Just focus on today." I have always been a planner and that is really hard when I have no clue what the future holds. So, in the meantime, I'll just jump on the roller coaster and see where it brings me, or what personality I take on.

Gathering Some Rays!

I spent yesterday afternoon exploring my environs. I live very close to several forest preserves with paths and rivers and trees. The weather was gorgeous, a perfect fall afternoon, sunny, light breeze, warm. The leaves on the ground had dried up enough from the recent rain to provide great crunching noises.

I wandered around, through trees, over bridges, sitting by the river for a few hours. It was fabulous. It was so nice to get out side and enjoy the beauty that surrounds me. I even found a bench under four or five various trees and just laid there for a while looking up at the different colors and the angles of the branches and the blue sky above it all.

The afternoon was refreshing and energizing. I hope there might be at least one more day like that before it gets too cold. (BUT I do think I found the local sledding hill!)

I played with my camera on my phone a bit as well...

LEAVES!!

Turning around

I knew there would be lots of ups and downs in this process. Lately, there have been so many more ups. It is really easy to get lost in the downs and forget about the good things. I need to praise the good things!

I have a full on real bed, with a mattress and box spring and headboard and foot board. It is about 3.5 feet higher than the air mattress I started out on in my apartment.

My apartment is mine. I have never lived on my own before and I am doing great. I cook real dinners and have everything all set up.

My friends and family have been amazing, in several ways. Thank you all for your listening ears, leading/giving me your stuff, and over all just being there for me. The support I have received in the last several months is unreal.

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I am experiencing life. Doing things I have not ever done or have not been allowed to do in years. It is great.

I am getting other things figured out that I have not had to deal with, and I am handling it. Everything is ok.

The process is bit by bit moving forward.

When this all started I was just in a deep dark tunnel, with no hope in sight. NOW, there really IS a light at that end of the tunnel! AND I am starting to be able to see it! Some times I just have to stop and remind myself of all of this. That there IS an end. That things are pretty darn good right now!

Am thinking it was stress...

One of the major contentions in my marriage was my weight and my body image. I don't really want to get much into that, other than to say my weight ballooned. Recently, I was able to set up and start using my Wii Fit again, something I have not used since a month or so before I moved out of my house. After a great workout yesterday, I realized something. In 7 or 8 months, I have lost around FIFTY pounds. I have not been working out much more than the walks to and from the train station and the random workout on the Wii Fit. My eating habits might be a bit more healthy, but I do have the snack binges when I have a stressful day. None of my work pants fit, in fact I can pull them off with out unbuttoning or unzipping them. My BMI is now listed as "normal". I was in shock! I looked back on how that could have possibly happened and I realized, it has to be a result of less stress. Yes, I am still stressed, but I am not spending every day fighting with someone and fretting over if I am going to end my marriage or not. Yes, I still have rough days. I still am trying to figure out where my life is heading. But overall, the last several months have been so much less stressful and overall, I have been happy or at least happier.

I am not sure where those fifty pounds were located. I am not sure how I lost them. I really do not care about my BMI or what a scale says, I am more concerned about how I feel. Sure, I'd like to be more toned. But really, I would rather just keep working on being less stressed, more happy. I think this is a testament to the fact that I am getting there.

Self Challenge

After I wrote last night's post, I had the best night of sleep that I have had in a while. Sleep has been tough, hard to fall asleep and then hard to stay asleep. I am hoping that getting out what was on my mind and then heading to bed was part of what helped. So I am going to challenge myself to try to continue to do just that.

***

Recently, I have been often told to have patience, to just take things one step or one day at a time. I have a hard time with this. I want to have everything set and in a plan and know what is up. It is time to slow down, take some deep breathes and try not to worry to far in advance. I just want all of this done and over with, but I want it done correctly, so I need to realize that will take time. And that is okay.

Guess Again

I have recently realized that all I do these days is second guess myself - over and over. I look for other people to acknowledge and confirm my decisions. I have always been "extra-careful" about any decisions I have made. But I am down right terrified to the core that I will make mistakes and bad decisions again. I should not be scared of that, everyone makes mistakes, everyone makes bad decisions. No one can be right all the time. It is getting to the point that anything I do takes several times longer than it should. It is starting to ooze into all parts of my life, including work. I am driving myself crazy thinking, re-thinking, analyzing again and again, working and re-doing. I suppose I am hoping that realizing this is a good first step. I know somewhere inside of me I have the confidence to make decisions on my own. I just have to find it again. I will, eventually.