A Mixed Bag

I want to say up front that under no means am I regretting any of my decisions, however it is difficult to deal with coming to terms with how greatly my life has changed. A year ago, I was hoping to be starting a family by now (who am I kidding, I have been hoping that for a long time), moving into a bigger house, planning for a future with my husband. Now I am trying to figure out where I want to live; how to afford and obtain all the household essentials like furniture, kitchen and bath wares, and so forth; basically, starting over. Some days it feels like I have taken a huge step backwards and others I am excited for the prospect of what my new future holds.

But I still slip into the old mind set. I am very use to having all of my actions and ideas run by "The Unmentionable". That every thing I did was controlled to the point that I could not do anything with out an "Okay!". I am getting use to this. It is rough, I find myself seeking validation, without it I am finding myself to tend to lack confidence. Just another thing that was taken away from me that I am working to get back, my self-confidence, my ability to make decisions on my own. As great as it is that I am able to do that now-make my own decisions-I find it weird. And part of me is saddened by that.

I still have those dreams and I do not want to loose my dreams. I hope that one day I will be able to make those dreams happen. In the mean time, it is time to make new dreams. To re-evaluate who I am and what I want. I keep telling myself to take things one day at a time, but I still have to think about my future at the same time.

No, really...I am OK

I spent last weekend at a huge family event. The majority of my family had not seen me since they heard "the news". It was interesting because it seemed as though most did not believe me when I said that I was doing really well. Yes, I have bad days, I have really tough moments, but over all - this has been and will continue to be the best thing for me. There is still a rough road ahead of me, and I am fine with that.

I recently came to the realization that I could not take the steps I have taken, could not have moved out and started all the legal process, with out being mostly through the grieving process. No, I was not ok a few months ago or a year ago or several years ago. At that time, I had not yet dealt with the loss of my dreams, of what I thought my life was going to be. But I am growing and I am getting stronger every day. I am developing new dreams and forming new goals. I am excited. The prospects excite me. Piece by piece I am picking myself up and discovering who I am.

A New Beginning

My life is starting over, it is time to find myself and grow into a new me. Over the last several months, heck, even years, I have been trying to figure out how to save my marriage. It was a marriage not worth saving. Therefore, I am in the process of separating and undergoing THE BIG D word. In the mean time it is time to discover the real me. The me I have tucked away and been hiding. It is time to figure out what I want to do with my life and what I enjoy. It is time to find The Hidden Beccah.

With that and this new site, I am ready to find out what the world has to offer.

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I have recently learned how amazing family and friends can be. When I told my parents that I was leaving "The Unmentionable", I was terrified. Scared that I would be a disappointment. Worried that I would shatter how they perceived me. Uncertain how they would react. They could not have been any more caring, understanding, or supportive. In fact, they were relieved. And that day, I found the piece that told me that family will always be there when you fall.